"I want to be like you as a mom. What's your secret?", a friend of mine asked recently. To which I replied, "Ha! You don't know me well enough then!"
I spent the last few days contemplating what I should have maybe said instead to this brand new mom.
Motherhood is like being dropped into a foreign land. You can prepare for it, you can have all the accoutrements, but once you're there, chances are... you'll appreciate a guide. Befriend other moms, use them as a resource. No mom has the magic equation for raising kids. If they claim to have the formula for perfect kids, I avoid them like the plague. Those are not your friends. We all have some things we do well, and some things we don't. Take what works for you and gently discard the rest. Other moms are your Sherpas, your education, your respite, your village, your emergency babysitters, your sounding board, your vent release, and your commiserate sisters. Motherhood is truly a sisterhood. Some of life's experiences and trials are unique to being a mother. Older wiser moms are my best resource. Better than books. Better than the internet.
If you see a mom in Target losing her sh*t, remember that'll be you someday. I know you don't think so, but trust me when you have four kids, haven't slept in 3 days, you can't remember the last time you actually shampooed your hair, you have to decide what necessities you can do without this week because your kid accidentally broke a big $50 ceramic dragon at the last store, you are pretty sure that's poop on your jeans, and your kids aren't listening.... that will be you. (Clearly, just a made up story that did in no way happened to me last week ;) So reserve judgment. Just smile and nod at her; the way that only fellow moms can, that says 'I know momma. I've been there too.'
Give up. Give up and let go of the illusion that your life, kids, marriage, and home is perfect. Live an authentic life, and learn to let the judgments of others wash over you. There will be many who will disagree with you as a mother. There will be people who disagree loudly. Let that go. Motherhood is your journey with YOUR kids. Be strong and confident in knowing that you are, and you know, what is best for your child. Side note, let toxic people go. Some people won't get your journey so don't invite them to travel alongside. I don't put effort into relationships that drain me; stop watering dead plants.
Apologize to your kids when you screw up. Someday you'll say something you wish you could swallow right back. Kids are naturally forgiving, but don't let it pass without an apology. You will screw up, and the mom guilt will be crippling. So, learn to forgive yourself.
Kids are people. They have fears, anxiety, preferences, feelings, dreams, plans, ideas, bad moods, and bad days.
When a baby is cranky you feed them, clean them up, snuggle them, play with them, give them attention, and put them to bed when they are tired. This also works for nine year olds.
Ask for help. It's not a sign of weakness. We used to teach girls to be moms, and we don't anymore. We used to have a community of family around to help each other. Our moms and grandmothers used to take a month off to come help us after babies were born. We don't have that anymore... but we do have these villages of friends we've cultivated and many would help if only we asked. Chances are you have a dozen friends who said, 'call me if you need anything.' They likely really mean it, but we seldom use that lifeline.
Never say never. As soon as you say, 'my kid will never cut their own hair...' be prepared to eat your words the next day.
Your priorities can be different, and that's okay. My priority will never be a spotless home. I'm the girl who's always measured success by skips and hops, chalk drawings, crayon masterpieces, creations, cookies, snuggles, adventures, stories and giggles. (But I also love the girl who's priority is a clean house... we need somewhere to hold play group!) I spent a lot of time feeling like a failure because I didn't have it all together. That is a sadness I would wish on no one. Perfection in a lie. Find the path to happiness that works for you.
Tell other moms when you admire them. The greatest compliment I could ever receive is that you appreciate me. Motherhood can feel thankless, so spread that kindness like confetti.
I love you. You are a wonderful Mother. You are doing great just being you.
