Many of you might have thought we were done having kids....heck even we did! So how did we get here, three months pregnant with baby #4?
Well that's a story. After our last little girl, Paisley was born. She was perfect, and so was life. On the day we brought her home from the hospital, our little family was gathered around her bassinet just admiring her. And I said, "This is our last baby. We never have to do this again."
Brighton who was three years old, looked confused...and said with all the confidence of a 3 year old, very matter of fact...
"Mom don't forget about (name withheld)! They are in heaven and they want to come down and be part of our family. Promise me you won't forget about them."
Anyway, we laughed and chalked it up to being 3.
But then a couple years past, the kids were sleeping through the night, there was money in the bank. I started to have a weird feeling. I would look into the rear view mirror and look at my three kids and then glance for a fourth. I would see our family picture and expect to see someone else. I would look around at Holidays and feel like someone was missing. These are all feelings I kept to myself because you know money in the bank, sleeping again....ect.
And then I started feeling those old feelings, I thought I'd buried. The deep physical and emotional desire to have another baby. I brought it up to Dan who SHOT that down, vehemently, decisively, and almost hysterically. and, I understood! It was crazy and yet I couldn't help my feelings. But I love my husband and want him to have the life he wants. And So I prayed that the deep longing I was feeling for another child will leave me. It didn't.
Occasionally I would bring it up to Dan, but he felt "so completely done" and I had no hope he would change his mind.
Some days I understood exactly where he was coming from and some days I was in anguish.
I think most of you know: I'm LDS aka Mormon. My faith is a HUGE part of my life.
Everyday I pray. I pray when I wake up, when I shower, when I drive, when I eat, when I'm hurt or scared or happy. Sometimes when people think I'm talking to myself, I'm really just talking to God.
Anyway, When the feelings didn't dissipate. I changed my prayer to, "Are these feelings the answer, should we have another baby?"
And even though I was doing all that praying, I didn't feel like I was getting an answer.
I decided I needed to go to the Temple.
A temple is a special place set aside as a place for ordinances, and serious prayer and reflection.
It's, in my opinion, the closest place on Earth to God.
So I went and I prayed so sincerely that if we were meant to have another child I would know it definitively. I had such an immediate and complete peace come over me. And what can only be described as a gentle voice across my mind say...
Emily you already have your answer, now you need to pray that your husband also receives the answer.
So I did.
Two days later, Sunday, Dan handed me a note on our church bulletin that said,
"Baby?"
Afterwards, he said he felt an overwhelming feeling that our family was not complete the night I returned from the temple.
So, we decided to have another baby. Unfortunately, It took much longer then we'd have liked. and it was really discouraging. We had just decided that maybe having another child was not in the cards for us, but simply a test of faith. Every month passed and I struggled to understand the "why" and we decided together that we were done trying. I think we both felt really good about that choice.
I embraced our family of 5 fully, and the new freedoms of our girls getting older. I picked out a new car...a 5 seater!
One day I was cleaning out our bathroom cupboard and I had one last pregnancy test left in there. I'm weird I decided to pee on it, rather than just throw it away unused. Imagine my surprise when it came back positive!!!
Now, I just had to figure out how to tell Dan.
but that's a story for tomorrow...
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