Sexy Cancer.

I have had a mark on my leg seemingly since birth, a birth mark if you will. How can something I've had with me my entire life be bad? ....And other thoughts like this have prevented me from getting it looked at, even when it turned black and grew 2x's it's size last year. At my last OBGYN appointment the doctor made me PROMISE emphatically to get it checked out.

I call for an appointment. They can get me in tomorrow. It's too soon. That is too real. I schedule an appointment for a month later. Yesterday.

I brought the kids with me. People with three kids in the waiting room don't get told they have cancer. There is a special needs child in the reception area. About fifteen. He is crying and hitting himself. My kids are scared of him...but I can't think of anything to say. I know how he feels.

I get called in. She asks me about my kids and my pregnancy and then I show her my mark. And she goes and gets someone in a white coat. The white coated person goes and gets someone in scrubs...and he goes and gets someone else in scrubs and...words like scrape, blade, injection, malignant melanoma... biopsy.

I'm trying not to pass out. They cut into my leg. I can't feel it and I'm not watching. Then words the doctors shouldn't use....but they say it because it's an honest reaction. *gasping* "Uh oh", "This doesn't look good", types of words. So, I looked. It's dark black underneath my skin. About the size of a dime. They take pictures and get me a glass of water. They tell me three different results of what this could be. I don't want any of them. But two I can live with. One I can't, maybe literally. It's skin cancer.

They give me a large band aid to go over the wound. And I think...
You just told me I have cancer and I get a glass of water and a band aid?
I can hear that boy in the next room, kicking his wheel chair and screaming. I don't feel so good myself. The doctor says, "don't lose sleep over this, we are sending your sample to a specialized lab and we will call you back in a couple of days." And I say "ok." but I'm thinking....
Is a 'couple' two...or three days....does that count the weekend.... wait...'specialized' lab? Oh my...Jesus....did she just tell me I had skin cancer?

So, I went home and I changed my band aid into a bigger one, because a small band aid shouldn't cover cancer. Then I got this crazy notion that if I can get pretty enough, and look sexy enough this will all go away. So I got in the shower and scrubbed my body. I shaved my legs and painted my nails and did my makeup and put on a dress. Sexy people DO NOT get cancer.
I left the band aid on the entire time, not because the wound isn't supposed to get wet, but because when I look at the unholy black spot on my leg...words like 'Malignant and Melanoma and Cancer' soar into my brain and I forget how to breath. How can one of the whitest women on the planet who has never tanned a day in her life get skin cancer? I'm not a smoker or a drinker, I exercise, I watch what I eat. That's not fair.

So, I am here waiting on my test results. I wasn't sure I wanted anyone to know, but pretending things are normal is not my style. I also did research, which was a terrible idea.

There are two treatments, the first, in layman's terms, for the less aggressive kind of cancer is to determine how far it's spread and cut it out. <---that is what we are hoping for. Doctor said it's about a 60% chance we will be able to do that. The second treatment is unthinkable, so I'm not going to think about it.

There. It's in type. I have skin cancer. But I look good.